When their actions don’t match their words

When their actions don’t match their words

Did you ever get the feeling that someone wasn’t being completely honest with you? Maybe they would say all the things you wanted to hear but their actions contradicted their words?

Sometimes we find that there’s a disconnect between a person’s words and their actions. It can be very confusing and even frustrating at times.

It’s easy to believe everything that someone says when they are saying all the things you want to hear.

A person’s actions can speak volumes even without them saying a word. Actions will always reveal the true character of a person when their words make you second guess yourself.

Why would someone do the opposite of what they are saying?

I don’t know if I can call it deception when there’s an intentional disconnect between words and actions. But I know that people who say one thing but mean something else almost always have a hidden agenda and honestly, it sucks!

Why can’t people just be real from the start? I am sure there are many reasons why people do the things they do but it doesn’t justify not being real with you…ever.

Stick figures with puzzle pieces

Insecurity

It’s no secret that we live in a world where importance is placed on vanity and status. Many people have insecurities that develop because of a need to fit in.

Comparison is the worst thing that anybody can do, but comparison is what most people do. Many people compare their lives to others and most times, this comparison doesn’t even make sense.

Some people are comparing the worst parts of their lives with the best parts (or seemingly best parts) of other people’s lives. You cannot compare your chapter 1 to someone else’s chapter 25 because you will lose every single time.

Comparing makes us insecure and vulnerable. Often, when people aren’t where they want to be in life, they pretend to be something they’re not. But people cannot pretend forever, at some point, the truth will always come out.

Jealousy

Comparison also leads to jealousy. People are jealous because they want something that you have or they secretly think that you are better than them.

Others will do things to make their lives seem better than it is just to make themselves feel better. It has nothing to do with you.

They may inflate their job title, educational qualifications or other things in their life because they are secretly competing with you.

That’s why it’s always important to pay attention to what they do instead of what they say.

Small animal paying attention

Once, a ‘friend’ borrowed my car, at that point I had no idea that she was a frenemy. She wasn’t the best driver but I trusted her to use my car because she was just taking a two-minute drive to the shop and back.

She smashed my car as she getting into the driveway and her comment to me was that since I don’t place value on material things, she knows I wouldn’t mind her smashing my car! Wow!

They are stringing you along

Many people are selfish and only care about their own hidden agenda or feelings. I’ve heard so many people say that they got into a relationship and the partner says all the right things to them but their actions don’t match their words.

If a person tells you that they love you, but never shows up for you, you need to question that. A person who loves you doesn’t need to convince you that they care about you. Actions will speak for itself.

Likewise, if someone drops everything they are doing to show up for you whenever you need them, then you will know that they genuinely care about you. They don’t need to tell you how they feel all the time because they are consistently showing you how much you mean to them with their actions.

What are the signs of inconsistency?

Snarky remarks

Inconsistent people can make us feel as if we are losing our minds. With a straightforward person, there is no need to question their words or actions. You will know where you stand.

But with an inconsistent person, sooner or later you will pick up that something isn’t right. You will notice subtle signs that will have you doubting either yourself or the other person.

Woman turning her head

I knew someone who always made snarky remarks towards me but I brushed it off because I felt that I was reading too much into the situation.

One time she told me that I couldn’t handle the promotion I got at work. But she did it in a way that seemed caring. She told me that I wouldn’t cope with the added workload. I thought this was weird because she didn’t know anything about my job or what I did at work.

Remarks like these are childish and don’t say anything about me. Remarks such as these, tell me more about the person saying these horrible things.

Imitation

Sometimes people will be fake because they want to fit in or be liked more. This also stems from a place of deep insecurity. They don’t want to be themselves out of fear that others won’t like them.

Instead of being authentic, they would rather be fake so they can fit in. These types of people seek external validation. They place a high value on others’ opinions of them.

They are constantly changing and adapting to different people in their lives because they want to be liked by everybody.

Ever heard the saying, a friend to everybody is a friend to nobody? A person cannot be everything to everyone.

If you notice that person changes their behavior around the company of different people, then that is a fake person.

Fake compliments

Fake compliments, fake statements, fake everything! Be aware when a person gives you backhanded compliments.

They are probably intimidated by you because you are doing better than them in life.

Someone I once knew used to always give me fake compliments immediately followed by “how do you always get what you want?” or “how do you manage to attract certain types of people?” referring to the opposite sex that she was attracted to.

It’s weird because I don’t always get what I want, I am always working for what I want as most of us do. And I also think if you become grounded in yourself, the right people will naturally gravitate towards you and vice versa.

What to do about it?

Dealing with inconsistent people can be challenging and mentally draining. It’s important to become aware of these types of people so that you don’t question yourself based on others’ actions.

Man thinking

When you are aware that there is a disconnect between a person’s words and actions, you can handle the situation better. You don’t have to believe everything that is said to you because you know better.

Try not to share too many details about your life and stick to general topics. Limit the time you spend with them. It can be frustrating after you become aware of an inconsistent person and still have to be around that person.

If people cannot respect you enough or be consistent in your life, you don’t need to stick around for the sake of it. You know your worth and those people are not worthy of your time.

Usually, inconsistency comes from a place of selfishness, so let them be and try to choose the right people in your life…or let people with the same values as you, choose you.

Are you in an abusive relationship? Many people DON’T KNOW that they are in one

Are you in an abusive relationship? Many people DON’T KNOW that they are in one

Updated June 2020

If you’ve ever been a victim of abuse, you will know how abuse turns your life upside down and eats away at your self-esteem. You feel judged, worthless and feel as if there is no hope.

I know how mentally challenging abuse can be. But PLEASE, if you are reading this and you are going through abuse, please seek help and keep reading.

You may not feel like you are worth anything, but believe me when I say that there are people who love you and care for you. Some people will help you if you allow them to.

Take the first step by reaching out to someone for help. It’s time to stop making excuses for the abuser. Even if you feel like you are powerless now, allow someone to help you.

You are not a burden even though you may feel like it at times. But trust me when I say that you are not a burden.

Usually, when abuse happens, it is more than one type of abuse. Physical abuse is not the only type of abuse, a person does not have to physically harm you for it to be labeled as abuse.

There are different types of abuse such as physical, emotional, mental, sexual, psychological and the list goes on.

Recognizing the signs of abuse

The signs can be obvious or you might not even be aware that you are being abused. Abusers learn their victim’s weaknesses so well that most times (if not physical), the person being abused does not know that it’s happening.

Name-calling

If your partner calls you derogatory names, this is abuse. There is no excuse for poor treatment by the person who was supposed to love you the most.

If someone loves you, they would never do anything to hurt you in any way, and this includes degrading you.

Insults

Insults should never be tolerated. Watch how a person speaks to you. Does your partner support you or use your insecurities against you?

If you put on weight, does your partner pick on your weight knowing that it’s your insecurity, or does your partner offer understanding and support to become more comfortable with yourself?

Jealousy and control

Pay attention to jealous behavior. A jealous partner can turn into a controlling partner. Many times, the abuser disguises controlling behavior as caring for the victim.

Constantly checking up on what you are doing, where you are, or who you are with can be called caring but sometimes this goes too far and is a form of control. The abuser wants to know your every move and treats you as if you are incapable of taking care of yourself.

Eventually, you believe that the abuser is overprotective but this type of behavior is not protective, it is controlling.

Isolation

Jealousy and control lead to isolation from those who care about you. If you stop contacting your friends or family or if they stop contacting you, this might be because they don’t feel comfortable speaking to you when your partner is with you.

You slowly begin to isolate yourself until you have nobody left to speak to. Your options for seeking help or advice become limited or non-existent and soon you are left alone with your own thoughts. You start to believe the negative thoughts you create.

Physical abuse

It starts with a nudge or a shove or a slap, soon physical abuse will escalate. Nobody hurts the people they love, no matter how bad the situation may be.

Apologies don’t mean anything if their behavior doesn’t match their words. The stigma that only men abuse women is not true. Women also abuse men but men are seen as the stronger gender, and abuse towards men is often not taken seriously.

Reach out to someone you trust about physical abuse, let at least one person know what you are going through. If you are not strong enough to leave now, start building up the courage to walk away.

Below, I will tell you exactly how to leave an abusive relationship without the abuser tracking you down.

Financial abuse

Financial abuse can be on either side of the spectrum. The abuser either prevents you from earning an income to make sure that you are completely dependant on him/ her. OR you might the breadwinner but the abuser takes your income from you.

The abuser uses the first tactic of not allowing you to earn an income so that you don’t have the means to empower yourself or leave. Money is not everything but money is needed to survive.

If you don’t have money, you are not able to survive without your abuser. You are completely dependant on the abuser and stay in the relationship long after the relationship has ended mentally.

The second tactic is when the abuser takes your income earned away from you. You may hand over your income because you are scared or because you love the person and will do anything they ask you to.

You might feel obligated to keep giving your money to the abuser or you might feel that you need to pay your way in life. If the abuser keeps taking your money, then open a secret bank account and ask your employer to transfer a portion of your salary into this secret account.

Enough excuses

Those that have never experienced abuse before cannot relate to what you are going through. Abuse can be a lonely road filled with judgment and shame. When you feel this way, you will find yourself making excuses for the abuser. You might try to justify the actions by making up stories and justify the actions by not seeing it as abuse.

If you have difficulty evaluating your situation and if you’re not sure if it is abuse, look at your situation as an outsider.

Imagine that someone you deeply love and care for is living your life. Ask yourself how you would feel if the person you love and care for experiences what you are going through? This will help you gain a different perspective. This also helps when you are isolated or feel like you can’t confide in anyone.

Plan before you leave

When you’ve recognized the signs of abuse and stopped making excuses, you need to see these actions as major wins. Recognizing the signs and seeing the situation for what it is will be heart wrenching and challenging.

You might feel as if your world collapsed and you cannot go on with your partner. Hear me when I say – it will be difficult but you CAN make it on your own. Even without an income, even if you leave with nothing, you will find a way to survive.

Leaving an abuser can be dangerous and you must be steps ahead of your abuser. If your abuser finds out that you are planning to leave, you might find yourself in a life or death situation. This is what you NEED to avoid. Your plans MUST be kept to yourself.

Trust NOBODY!

You cannot trust anyone, not even your family or friends. You might think you can confide in friends and family, but if your friends and family don’t believe what you say to them, they may try to ‘help you’ by speaking to your partner or they may try to intervene in any other way. But who will pay the price for this ‘help’?

YOU! When you are left alone with the abuser and there is nobody around to protect you, you will suffer. You have crossed your abuser and your caring friends or family may have unintentionally created a life or death situation for you.

If you are thinking about leaving: don’t do it – just yet

I will say it again, do not just leave without a plan. If you do, the abuser will find ways to get to you in his/her grip again. You will need a solid, fool-proof plan that nobody thinks you are capable of.

People and the abuser underestimating you is your ultimate superpower. Download your FREE action guide here.

I wish you well on your journey, and if there’s anything I want you to take away from this article, it’s that people underestimating you along with your plan to leave are your superpowers.

You CAN walk away from your abuser. It will be scary and you will be filled be anxiety, but even if you have a tiny glimmer of hope left for yourself, let that tiny little light lead you to your new life of freedom.

Betrayal always comes from those we trusted

Betrayal always comes from those we trusted

Updated July 2020

The time when people tolerated poor treatment from others is slowly fading away. People are learning how to distance themselves from those they don’t want to be around.  There could be several reasons why people distance themselves from others.

Some are labelled as being emotionally distant and some are viewed as having unreasonable expectations. I think that many people who once trusted others and were betrayed and are now protecting their peace.

You will keep recycling your experiences until you learn your lesson

Even though I’ve been betrayed numerous times, I still have hope that there are good people out there. Not everyone wants to hurt you. I choose to see the good in people but somehow, I manage to experience betrayal in the end.

After speaking to a few people, I noticed a pattern. We go through the same experiences but with different people. I figured that life is trying to teach us a lesson, but we are blind to notice.

For years I’ve been attracting toxic people and I couldn’t understand why. I’ve been through extreme situations, but the problem was not the other people, the problem was me. I was blindly going through life with no self-awareness.

People will take advantage of you if YOU allow them to

When everything is going well in life, we tend to forget about the bad stuff others did to us.

By forgetting the bad experiences and lessons we needed to learn, we open ourselves up to recycling our experiences. We are more likely to go through the same experience with either the same person or a new person.

Recycling experiences – same situation, but a different person

Have you ever been betrayed in relationships over and over again? The person is different, but do you notice that the situation keeps repeating itself?  We often hear people ask, “why does this always happen to me?”

I think we need to be cognizant of the way we react to a situation and the lesson we learned from the situation. If we do this, then we become aware of what is attracting these experiences and that will prevent us from going through the same experience again.

It’s so easy to forget

I try to block out all my bad experiences, and this is my weakness. By blocking out past experiences instead of dealing with the situation, I move on without fully learning my lesson from the experience.

Often, others that know me well, have to remind me how bad my experiences actually were. I forget how badly I was treated by the same person and go back to help those people wherever I can – sometimes to my own detriment. I’ve been doing this for as long as I can remember.

Another weakness of mine and I know that most of you can relate – is feeling empathy towards others, which sometimes gives others the power to take advantage of you.

I’ve had ‘friends’ who were jealous of me and secretly hated the things I had in my life, but I was too blind to notice. We don’t notice the ill intentions of those we consider ‘friends’ because we are not like them.

I also think this is the reason that so people are left asking the question: “how could he/ she do that to me”. We try our best to understand the actions of others but drive ourselves insane trying to make sense of senseless actions.

They will use you

Just because they laugh with you, doesn’t mean that they are happy for you. I think I’ve encountered them all. The ‘friend’ that uses you for money, the one that is jealous of you, the passive-aggressive ‘friend’, the ‘friend’ that wants to be you, the ‘friend’ that secretly routing for you to fail, the list goes on.

I kept asking myself how I always attract these types of people into my life. It got to a point where my real friends and even family noticed how I attracted these people into my life. I didn’t see anything wrong at the time.

If someone had a problem, I just wanted to help. THIS IS THE PROBLEM.

Their problem is not your problem

People that you continuously help, learn how to manipulate you. I learned that there are limits to helping others. You can help someone but still maintain a healthy boundary with that person. Just remember that their problem IS NOT your problem. You cannot carry everyone’s problems on your shoulders.

Helping a person once or twice is okay. If you find yourself giving more than you are getting back, then it’s time to evaluate the relationship.

Forgive them, even though they are not sorry

This is something I am learning to do, and it is hard. When I stopped making excuses for other’s actions and I stopped making excuses to keep them in life, my whole life changed for the better.

Many times, when someone betrays you, they probably didn’t care about you in the first place. So, when their mask falls off, they won’t suddenly care about you. Apathetic people don’t deserve your time and will probably not care about the way they treated you. That’s okay.

Forgive them because you need peace. Learn to let the bad experiences go. Even if they are not sorry, and most of the time, they will never be sorry. They will never see anything wrong with their actions.

Holding on to all those negative feelings, brings you down, not them. Holding on to the bad things that people did to you diminishes your quality of life and most of the time, the person you are upset with, has no idea that you even feel that way. Or sometimes, if they do know how you feel, they don’t care anyway.

Seek respect, it lasts longer

I noticed that the people who go around intentionally hurting others have one common trait – they are attention seekers. The world revolves around them. That’s why they are always taking from you.

One ‘friend’ tried to BE ME (lol), she changed to look exactly like me. It got so bad that my other friends and family couldn’t tell us apart. Another used me while I was going through my health issues, I was fighting against the cancer cells spreading, but she was obviously going through something ‘worse’.

Manipulators learn your weaknesses and exploit them. If you are not aware, you will be taken advantage of. I later found out that her health ‘issue’ wasn’t even a real thing. But it’s all about the attention.

Let it go and move on

I know it’s easier said than done. It’s hard when people that you trust betray you. What’s important is that you become aware of who they are. Forgive them, but don’t forget the bad experiences you had because of them.

Forgetting the bad experiences and remembering all the good experiences, puts you in a dangerous situation of recycling your experiences. It is important to be aware of why the same negative things always happen in your life and find ways to handle the situation differently.

It is only after we become aware of how and why we attract these types of people, that we can learn how to stop the same situations from happening again.

Signs of narcissistic behavior

Signs of narcissistic behavior

Updated June 2020

Have you ever loved or cared for someone so much, that you would do anything and everything to make the relationship work? Most of us do. In a healthy relationship, two people support each other and work as a team.

You are not going crazy

A few years ago, I didn’t know what a narcissist was. As the fights happened more frequently and lasted longer, I turned to relationship expert – Google (lol). I remember lying in bed night after night trying to figure out what was wrong with me. I’d listen to relationship coaches and tried everything to make the situation better, but nothing worked.

I thought I was losing my mind, and maybe I was. I was afraid to confide in people I trusted. The narcissist is excellent at portraying a different image to the world as compared to the treatment I received behind closed doors.

I wasn’t sure if anyone would have believed me and when I eventually spoke out. When I did speak out, I felt as if I was going crazy.

I am writing this article with the hope that if someone is going through narcissistic abuse, they recognize the signs and seek help before it’s too late.

What is a narcissist?

A narcissist is a person that is described as having a personality disorder. In my case, the narcissist that I dealt with, had a sense of entitlement and disregard for my feelings.

They do not know how to communicate. They respond immaturely when faced with a problem. Examples of immature behaviour are silent treatment (not speaking for long periods), lashing out and blaming you, name-calling, or discarding you.

A narc will never view their actions as wrong. You will always be at fault and the narc will always play the victim. You will be called all sorts of derogatory names but at the same time, you will also be showered with gifts. One moment you will be treated like royalty, and the next minute, you will be non-existent.

These inconsistent actions will confuse any sane person. The challenging part is that this mixed behaviour mostly happens behind closed doors, so nobody else will be able to understand what you are experiencing.

There are narcissists everywhere. This person could be your significant other, parent, sibling, friend or even boss.

What are the signs of a narcissist?

They are ALWAYS right, so be prepared to always be wrong

Nobody is perfect. In a healthy relationship, people take responsibility for their actions and move forward through communication.

With a narcissist, a simple disagreement can lead to a major fight. If a person refuses to acknowledge the consequences of their actions, it is difficult to move forward.

A narcissist will always blame you for every problem or fight. If you try to bring up any concerns, the narcissist will blame you for being too sensitive.

It is difficult for the narcissist to understand that a healthy relationship requires open communication.  You cannot make a narcissist understand your point of view, it is impossible.

You are always wrong (since everything is black or white, there is NO in between)

Since the narcissist believes he/she is always right it can only mean that you are always wrong. Even if the situation does not call for anybody to be blamed, you will still be the one who is wrong.

I remember when a huge truck hit my car on a busy highway, it was my fault. When a random car rolled into my car in a parking area, it was also my fault. I am sure you can see where I am going with this…the list goes on. There’s no way that you can make a narcissist understand your side of the situation.

The narc treats everyone great…except you

To others, the narcissist is a successful, caring and helpful human being. The narc will always help others because the narc’s reputation means everything to the narc. He/ she will not do anything to jeopardize the way others view him/ her.

But with you, a different side to the same person is experienced. You can be crying your eyes out or going through the worst situation, the narcissist doesn’t care. There is NO support offered.

When it comes to emotional support, being with a narcissist is almost the same as being alone.

The only difference with being alone is that nobody is there to make you feel even worse when you are already down in the dumps. Being alone is better, you can pick yourself up without anyone kicking you when you are down.

Disrespect becomes the norm

Disrespect in any form should NEVER be tolerated.

Do not tolerate disrespect and do not allow another person to drive you to a point where you have become disrespectful. A narc will break your spirit without you realizing it.

When you start to fight back but stay, there will be constant fights which makes you a toxic person as well.

Instead of wasting all your energy fighting for a relationship that was never there to begin with, leave and build yourself up. Don’t stay and allow someone to tear you down.

If you stay in an unhealthy situation for too long, it will become your norm too and you will eventually become part of the problem instead of the solution.

It is difficult to leave

This is one of the most difficult situations to leave because a narc is also extremely capable of showering you with ‘love’, affection and gifts.

Gifts are given and those around you see these gifts and think that you have a loving and caring partner. Maybe this is what the narcissist wants everyone to see, I don’t know.

Leaving is hard but you need to use logic and not make decisions based on feelings. You can still love the person, but you don’t have to stay in a toxic relationship. You may think the person loves you, but they don’t.

A person that buys you gifts but makes you feel like the scum of the Earth does not love you. Being constantly blamed for situations you cannot control is not love either. Wish the person well, and learn to let go.

Make peace with the situations that happened to you because you didn’t know better. You don’t have to hate the narcissist, and I know that love doesn’t just disappear. But just because you might love the person, it is no excuse to stick around and tolerate abuse.

LOVE YOURSELF ENOUGH TO WALK AWAY.

You may feel like you are unworthy of love, you may feel as if you deserve the situation you are in because as time passes, all the negative thoughts become part of who you are as a person. DO NOT let the situation get to this point.

I can tell you that I have successfully removed narcissistic people out of my life and I am on the road to recovery. Recovery will not happen overnight, it may take months or years, but you will soon start to regain your self-confidence and passion for life.

Do not give up on yourself. Know that you are not crazy, there is nothing wrong with you. You will find your strength again. One day, hopefully before it’s too late – you will find YOU again!