Victim mentality: Can you control it?

Victim mentality: Can you control it?

Do you ever feel that life is happening to you? There are times when everything that can go wrong, will go wrong. Life can be challenging sometimes and we are tested in many situations.

It is during these challenging times that we decide how we want to perceive the situation. It is our reaction to the situation that will either elevate us or break us.

Sometimes we need to take a step back from our own lives and look at our situation objectively. Often, we are not aware that we have a victim mentality.

What is the victim mentality?

Victim mentality is when a person feels sorry for themselves for all the things that are going wrong. Instead of finding ways to overcome the situation, it might be easier to complain about the problems.

Many people become addicted to complaining and looking at the negative in life when there are so many good things to focus on. The way to choose to view a situation makes a difference.

What we focus on, will grow

If you choose to look at all the things that you don’t have, you will remain miserable. Instead, accept the situation for what it is and find ways to make the situation better.

Complaining about things won’t change a thing, but actions lead to results. Even if you fail at the thing you are trying to achieve, experience is gained. The next time you try, you will be more likely to succeed.

It works! What I focused on, grew

If you read my past blog posts, you will know that I was in a long-term narcissistic relationship. At the time, I was studying towards my marketing degree. I was always questioned about my abilities and at some point, I started to believe I was incapable of getting into the marketing field.

It was disappointing because marketing is something I love and I had to constantly hear that I am technologically challenged. My ex was implying that I will fail at marketing because he thought I was incapable of working on a computer.

It’s silly…I know. But if we are in a toxic environment long enough, our minds create the weirdest scenarios that are far from reality.

When I left the relationship, it took me a few years until I decided to get into blogging and create a website. I also landed a marketing job at the company I work for. I am into all things marketing now and learning more every day.

Those harmful comments about how stupid I was, didn’t break me.

But sometimes I believed that I will never amount to anything and maybe I’m just wasting my time with marketing. But I continued anyway because it was something I love doing.

I could have chosen to play the victim

I could have allowed the negative comments being thrown at me to consume me and give up on my passion. There were times when I questioned myself and was anxious about the money I put into my studies.

But instead of giving up on marketing, I gave up on the person who was making me doubt myself.

I walked away and I keep learning new things every day.

What we can and cannot control

Every situation in our life either can or cannot be controlled.

For example, we can’t choose the life we are born into or we are born as. Certain situations are out of our control.

The things that cannot be controlled

  • Natural abilities 

Each person has their strengths or talents. If someone has a great analytic mind and you don’t, that does not make you less intelligent. Maybe your ability is creativity. Comparison is unhealthy. If you compare your weakness to the strengths of others, you will lose every time.

But also, hard work beats talent if talent is too lazy to work.

  • Our family history financial status   

There were many times when I heard people say: “that person was born into a rich family, he/ she will never understand what it was like for me growing up”.

Try not to be bitter if someone else had privileges that you did not have. As kids, we cannot control the financial status of our parents.

If you were not born into financial wealth, you cannot live your life blaming the financial history of your family for your current situation. We get many opportunities, and if we are opened to them, we just need the courage to take those opportunities.

  • Toxic environment

A toxic home cannot be controlled. For example, a three-year-old child cannot choose if he/ she wants to move out or can’t control the family’s behavior.

Maybe you didn’t have a healthy home environment as a child. But there are many ways to change the situation as you grow up. Just because you come from toxicity, it doesn’t mean that you have to keep living in a toxic environment.

Nobody can force you to tolerate negative behavior. Break the cycle and create a better life for yourself.

The things that can be controlled

  • A life-partner

If you are in an abusive relationship and stay but complain, then you have a victim mentality.

Too many times we are afraid of what society will think if we walk away. Unfortunately, people will always have an opinion about your life. If your gut is telling you that something is wrong in a relationship, it may be time to re-evaluate your situation.

If you are in a relationship with the right person, you will NEVER need to question the relationship. I know this sounds harsh, but truth be told – stop playing the victim – you chose your partner and you choose to stay in the relationship.

So if you choose to stay, then you need to deal with the consequences of your actions or choose to walk away for the sake of your sanity.

Why do people choose a life-partner, stay and still complain?

I’ve seen so many people play the victim and complain about a shitty situation they are choosing to stay in. One person is accepting the abuse because this person likes the comfort and safety of having money and an exclusive lifestyle. Another person is staying because they refuse to get a job so financial support is more important than not being physically abused.

I try to help people in bad situations, but I also switch off completely to those that WANT to be a bad situation but also want to play the victim.

  • Our emotional and mental health

Happiness is a choice. Nobody is positive all the time. But it takes daily effort to choose a positive mindset.

We all have setbacks in life. If you need a time-out, take it. If you need to cry or scream as loud as you can to let go of frustration, do it. But don’t allow negativity to control your life.

Choosing to be happy and fulfilled takes regular effort. If you choose to live with a negative mindset, that’s a choice you make. Don’t drag those around you down with a victim mind-set.

Many problems are created in our minds. If you have an issue with someone, voice your concerns and resolve them. Sometimes what we may perceive as an issue, may not be an issue at all.

Most people choose the victim mentality over change because playing the victim is easier. A person can only play the victim if they have someone to complain to, who will enable their complaining. It is very common for those with a victim mentality to feed of sympathy shown towards them.

Playing the victim is unhealthy and detrimental to both the ‘victim’ and those that choose to enable the victim mentality by listening to the same complaints over and over again. If you find yourself listening to someone’s constant whining, remove yourself from the situation because others will take you down with them.




Colourism and racism: Is it that hard to accept each other?

Colourism and racism: Is it that hard to accept each other?

Let me start by saying that I’m not ashamed or scared of being judged. But in a perfect world, people will reserve judgment if they really understood another’s situation.

We live in a society where people freely offer their opinions when it is unnecessary. I was scrolling through Facebook recently and noticed the quality of posts reflects the quality of people behind these posts.

These memes are going around (I’m sure most of you have seen them) which is something like this “White people (then a scenario is given) and then Indian people are mentioned and the same scenario is given, then an illustration highlights the ways different cultures react to the same situation.

I agree that every culture has differences and should be embraced. We should learn to find humour in our cultural differences and accept each other for who we are. It is not the meme itself that annoys me, but the mentality behind the meme.

Growing up, I was exposed to different cultures and racial backgrounds. We always had people from different cultural backgrounds in our home. I am certain this is why I look beyond the colour of a person’s skin.

Not everyone had opportunities to interact with different types of people. The lack of interacting with different people are different situations give people a skewed outlook in life.

What makes you think you are better than others?

  • Family Background

It starts at home. If you grew up in a family that practised hate or disregard for another culture or race, you will naturally grow to have these traits too.

I didn’t know how bad racism was until I got out into the world and experienced it for myself. It happens everywhere.

People judge you just by looking you. Some people don’t give you a chance to prove yourself as a person.

If adults grew up in an environment that disrespected another culture, they should break the cycle by instilling the correct values in their children. Apparently, most parents still feel the need to prove that their culture is superior to the next. It is a never-ending cycle that breeds hate instead of acceptance.

  • Environment

Those that have never ventured out and still live in the same place they grew up in, don’t know what the real world is like. Their environment is holding them back from experiencing other things that life has to offer.

It is impossible to explain the bigger picture to someone who is keeping themselves captive in the same environment. These people don’t know better so they can’t do better.

When I started travelling solo, I forced myself to interact with people from all walks of life. It made me perceive life in a new way.

We have more similarities than differences. We are all capable of crying, hurting or being happy. I can’t expect another person to know what other cultures are like if they never got the opportunity to interact with any other culture but their own.

  • Entitlement

Some people have a sense of entitlement with or without knowing it. They think that they are better just because they belong to a certain cultural or racial group. It’s sad when people can’t appreciate each other for who they really are as human beings.

I’ve been distancing myself from a lot of these so-called righteous people. You don’t get to be horrible to the next person just because you think that your race is better.

A person cannot control how they look or the family they were born into. If an adult can’t understand this, then is there any hope left for society?

Colourism plays a part in racism

Colourism is when a person is discriminated for the colour of their skin. Within the Indian community, we come in all colours – all shades of brown.

But God forbid that you fall on the side of dark brown – then you are labelled as black and people look down on you. You are labelled as ugly because apparently only light-skinned people are beautiful and have value.

People are buying all types of skin lightening products to be ‘beautiful’ and accepted into society. It’s very disturbing. What’s even sadder is this has become a way of life for many people living within these types of communities. This is accepted as normal.

How far do you have to go to learn your value?

Now, I live in a different place to where I was born. I’m glad I made the change because people are a lot more accepting of ethnicities here. When I go ‘home’ to visit my family, I can’t wait to get back to my current home. The mindsets of people will never change if the environment doesn’t change.

It’s not about the colour of your skin

A few days ago, my ‘White’ friend complained to me about an Indian guy that called her a racist for not wanting to speak to him. No, she is not racist, the guy was just an ass.

A few people that know me always have sarcastic remarks directed at me, because I decided to date someone who was not Indian.

Even though I am Indian, other Indians called me racist towards Indians. This assumption was made because I wasn’t dating my ‘own kind’.

The people I choose as friends have nothing to do with race or culture. I appreciate people because of the value they add to my life – not because of the colour of their skin.

Small-minded people have a lot to say. But again, look at the things these people post, their low-quality posts reveal their low-quality lives.

I know I am different and I say what many will not have the courage to say, but I also know I speak for many with this post.

It will be great if those that are saying hurtful things, use their energy to build others up instead of criticising. Unfortunately, I know that the world is not perfect and neither am I.

Until I find my place in this world, I am grateful for my people that understand my misunderstood side.


Developing a mature mindset

Developing a mature mindset

Updated June 2020

When faced with conflict, do you tend to look at the situation objectively or do you generally assume the other person is wrong? Do you assume that you know what the facts are already before listening to what the other person has to say?

When emotions are involved in any situation, our sense of reasoning can be a bit foggy which could lead us to look at the problem subjectively. We see things from our point of view.

Age doesn’t equal maturity

I can tell you what doesn’t determine the level of a person’s maturity – age! Just because a person is older, it doesn’t mean that they are mature.

I believe that life’s experiences develop our maturity faster than age ever will. Our level of maturity is determined by our environment, what our minds consume and the people we surround ourselves with.

I’ve seen adults with academic qualifications that have no emotional intelligence. I’ve also seen people who have dropped out of school but are some of the smartest people I know.

Recognising the signs of an immature person

Lack of responsibility

If a person acts irresponsibly, that is a sign of immaturity. Children grow up and are expected to move out to make a life for themselves. Sometimes, these children grow into adults and still rely on their parents or others to hand them things in life. There is a lack of responsibility and a feeling of entitlement also exists.

Blaming others

Some people believe that nothing is ever their fault. It is always someone else that caused a problem in their life. Irresponsible people always have excuses for every solution offered to them. They never own up to their mistakes because that will mean admitting fault. Immature people see nothing wrong with their actions and are happy to keep living in their current situation.


Ignorance is bliss. This might be the reason why people who know so little talk so much. I’ve noticed that responsible, mature people, talk less and observe more. They watch what others do and don’t force their beliefs on anyone. Immature people don’t know any better yet they walk around as if they know everything about everything.

Emotional tantrums

Have you ever gotten the silent treatment after a fight with a friend or someone close to you? Taking time apart after a fight is a great way to gather your thoughts. But if the silent treatment continues longer than it should, then you might be dealing with an immature person. Mature people will rather hear the hard truths by communicating and sorting out the problem.

Immature people can also react with outbursts of emotions. They may get loud, abusive or accuse you of something that you didn’t do. They haven’t learned how to control their emotions.

All of us will encounter people like this at some point in our lives so it is important to recognise the warning signs.

Engaging with an immature person can be detrimental to our mental health. Try to minimise the amount of time you spend around an immature person without cutting them off completely.

Often, immature people are not aware of their immaturity because of their ignorance. It is not your job to fix them either. You can help them but also make sure that your state of mind is your priority.

How do you develop a mature mindset?

Being accountable and taking responsibility for your actions

We feel good when others acknowledge us for doing something great. But how do we react if we messed up?

We need to own up to our mistakes and apologise. People respect those who admit if they were wrong. Acknowledge your error and learn from it.

You will grow as a person and do better next time. If someone corrects your error, don’t fight back.

Listen to the other person’s opinion, they could be adding value to your life with their advice. Sometimes, we need to let our guard down to become better versions of ourselves.

Understanding that others actions are not a reflection of you

How often do we take things that others do personally? You may not want to hear this but not everything is about you. We have a lot going on in our lives.

Some of us have not mastered the skill of juggling life as yet. We are getting there.

I remember when I decided to take a break from social media for about two years. When I got back online, most of my followers and friends were still there. But there were a few people who thought I intentionally deleted them, so they blocked me.

This shows how self-centered people are. Things that others do may not have anything to do with you at all.

Taking action

It takes time to reach goals in life. We don’t get everything we want immediately. Some people want to reach new levels without putting in the work.

Lazy people hate on others that are working hard in life. Mature people know that actions speak louder than words, so less talking and more action. It takes a mature person to acknowledge all the challenges they are faced with but still focus on the positive things to reach new levels.

Embracing change

Life and circumstances are constantly changing. You could be perfectly fine today and God forbid you’re involved in a life-changing accident tomorrow.

We need to adapt to the changes life brings. If you are unable to adapt, you will spend the rest of your life being miserable, hoping that others change so you can be happy.

Maturity could also mean evaluating your life and looking for ways to adapt to change. While others complain, a mature person will look at the opportunities that exist and find ways to use those opportunities in their favor.

Embracing change also helps you to reach new levels in your life. You can download this guide which shows you how to reach your full potential.

Accepting reality for what it is

If you are not where you want to be right now, accept the current situation while working towards what you want. Even though it’s hard now, it will get better.

I know there are many times when I feel anxious about my situation. Whenever I feel this way, I think back to the major obstacles I overcame in life. This gives me the strength to remember that bad times don’t last forever. We overcame everything life threw at us and we are still here.

Many of us are far from where we want to be in life. But we can still push forward with everything we currently have. As we develop our skills and learn more about who we truly are, a mature mindset will develop even further.

Using gratitude to change your perspective

Using gratitude to change your perspective

We all live in the same world and although our opportunities may not be the same, we are capable of creating opportunities that we never thought possible. It’s all about perspective.

For example, siblings that grew up under the same living conditions can turn out differently. Although both siblings had the same environment growing up, their perspectives led them to different paths in life.

I hope that we all choose the path of gratitude despite the many challenges we face.

We’ve become accustomed to thinking about all the things we don’t have instead of appreciating the things we have.

We can still be grateful for everything we have while working towards our bigger goals.

  • Is complaining a habit

For many people, complaining has become a habit without them even noticing it. If we learn how to replace our complaints with gratitude, we could change our perception.

We should be grateful for everything we have now. The things we tend to complain about are the same things others wish they had. Even if we do not have much, it does not mean we should be ungrateful.

An article I read said that you cannot be angry and grateful at the same time. If you practice gratitude, it eliminates the feeling of anger.

  • Complaining is draining

Complaining usually means we are unhappy about something and that can be draining. How is anyone expected to live a fulfilled life if they constantly focus on all the bad stuff?

Sometimes we may feel like there is no hope, but there is always hope. If we look hard enough, we will find it. And if we can’t find it, then we must create it.

  • Protect your peace

Not so long ago I used to listen to people complaining about silly things. I don’t anymore. Other peoples problems can suck the life out of you and bring you down.

You can be a good friend and listen when someone is going through a rough patch. We all go through challenges in life. But also know the difference between a genuine problem and someone who is complaining for no reason.

How many times have you listened to the same person complain about the same problem over and over again? Eventually, you want to start avoiding the person. Protecting your peace is important.

You need to control the type of energy you allow into your life.

  • It’s all about perspective

If we are the people doing the complaining, then we need to remind ourselves that we have a lot to be grateful for.

Just by looking around you, you are reading this article from some sort of device and yes…you can read and see the words with your eyes. These are all the little things we take for granted.

We need to start practicing gratitude more because what we look for, we often find. If we are grateful for the things we have in life, we will always get more.

  • What causes us to be ungrateful

When people are unhappy in life, they often look at other peoples’ lives and want what others have. Instead of focusing on what they have, their focus is on the next person.

Unhappy people should be spending more time on getting their life together instead of wishing to be in someone else’s shoes.

Jealously can also cause a person to be ungrateful. I used to have jealous people in my life but I cut them off.

Hanging around jealous people is extremely dangerous to your well-being. My ‘friends’ used to call me lucky because of certain things I have in my life.

I am not lucky. It’s just that I’m not afraid to put my head down and get the work done. If it means that I don’t sleep for 24 hours to work at getting what I want, then so be it. If hard work equals luck, then I am extremely lucky.

  • What to do instead of complaining

Time will pass anyway so how we choose to spend that time, is what will make a difference.

Instead of wasting time complaining, use the same time to think about solutions or possible ways to overcome the problem. I’ve failed at so many things in my life. Sometimes my plans didn’t work out. All my failures have taught me more than any success ever has.

In my previous blog post I mentioned that I had a job I didn’t like, I could have felt sorry for myself, stayed in that job and complained about it. Instead, I created a solution by leaving that job and relocating in search of a new job.

At the time, it felt like my whole life was being turned upside down. I knew that even though things were so bad, I still needed to push beyond my limits to reach new levels in my life.

  • So much to be grateful for

A great idea is to make a list of all the things you are grateful for in your life and you will realize just how blessed you are.

You can also make a list of all the life-changing moments and what lessons you learned. You will notice how much you’ve changed over the years without even noticing.

If you want to go even further, make a list of all the people that brought value to your life and you will soon realize that you have a lot to be grateful for.

Not so long ago, my health wasn’t great. This illness made me re-evaluate my entire life. I was getting the same calls from the same people who love to complain. Only this time, the way I perceived those conversations were different.

I realized that we focus on things that don’t matter. When I was sick, some days I battled to get out of bed. Those petty arguments over silly things were the last thing on my mind. I was not worried about a dirty house or unkempt hair. My number one priority was just to get out of bed so that I could survive the day. Being sick taught me to never take anything for granted.

Now that I am better again, I don’t have time to entertain people who complain to me over things they can control.

Too many times when people complain, we try our best to help them, but sometimes those people will not even help themselves.

Too many times we empathize with people who choose to live in miserable situations, no matter how many solutions are offered to them.

Some people are more than capable of improving their circumstances, but it ultimately comes down to the actions they take to change their lives.

Practicing gratitude will never take anything away from you. Always protect your peace first before allowing negativity in your life because sometimes, others will take you down with them.