“When nobody celebrates you, learn to celebrate yourself”

“When nobody celebrates you, learn to celebrate yourself”

Updated June 2020

“When nobody else compliments you, then compliment yourself. It’s not up to other people to keep you encouraged. It’s up to you. Encouragement comes from the inside”. These are the words spoken by Jay Shetty. A person I draw inspiration from. There is so much power in this statement.

We cannot base our emotional state on the opinions or reactions of others. At some point in life, we must learn to be strong for ourselves. It’s not easy, it might be the most difficult thing we do. But reaching this level allows you to view life from the highest level.

Don’t expect everyone to do as you do

Whatever you are feeling or going through, don’t expect anyone to be happy for you, or sad with you. Imagine achieving a goal that you worked so hard for, and the people you expected to celebrate your success with, are nowhere to be found?

Just because you support others, it’s unfair for you to expect the same in return. We live in the world were people do things for the validation of society instead of supporting each other because they want to.

Five reasons why you need to encourage yourself

You cannot expect anything from anyone (material or emotional)

Two weeks ago I wrote about my friend who was fighting cancer. Sadly, she passed away last week. I was broken, I didn’t expect to feel all the emotions following her death – but I did. It was during this time of sadness that I realised who my true friends are. Some friends called me and checked up on me every day, knowing how down I was. Others found out that my friend died but showed no empathy.

If you can’t control it, let it be

At this point, I realised that I should not expect people (friends or otherwise) to be empathic towards me just because I am empathetic to them. I cannot control other peoples’ behaviours. Focus on the things you can control and let go of the things you cannot control.

Not everyone has reached a level of emotional maturity

You will drive yourself insane if you are waiting for people to understand or empathise with you. It is important to understand that you have different types of friends. Some you work with, some you study with, some you party with. But if you are blessed, you may have a friend that you can do all these things with. Someone who will stand by you through the good and bad.

People thrive on negativity

Some will celebrate your success with you if you are doing well, as long as you are not doing better than them. Not too long ago, a friend spoke to me after years of not keeping in touch. After I told her that my life has completely changed since we last spoke, she told me that she never thought I would become the person I am today. I didn’t reply, but it’s moments like these that make you question people for who they really are. Limited mindsets are dangerous.

Rumours and lies

Some people thrive on gossip. This is sad and disappointing. Those that spread rumours do not realise the magnitude of the consequences faced by those they hurt. This why we need to encourage ourselves to keep pushing ourselves forward. If we wait for support from others, we might wait forever.

It can be lonely as you start accomplishing your goals

As you reach new levels in your life, you will notice how the type of people in your life also changes. You will also change because growth requires change.

Sometimes we expect to have people around for longer than they need to be and we hold on to something that’s not there anymore.

We lose people along the way and although it is sad, if people are dragging you down with them, then it’s time to let go.

As you climb the ladder of your life, it will get very lonely. Working hard to achieve your goals might mean that you don’t spend as much time as you used to with people. Those that love and care about you will understand.

Those who were never true to you will not understand. You may find them distancing themselves from you. This is a good thing. Don’t dim your shine for anyone in life. You should never limit your potential to make others feel comfortable.

You have come a long way but have a long way to go

It may not feel like it now, but if you look back at least 5 or 10 years from now, you will notice how much you’ve changed as a person (hopefully). I say hopefully because some people who I kept around have not changed or grew as people, and unfortunately having them around was limiting my personal growth.

I tried keeping people in my life but it was exhausting trying to explain why I do the things I do. People can get stuck in the past and if you are stuck in the past then moving forward is almost impossible.

I achieved many goals in recent years and was only possible because I drowned out the noise of the subtle haters. Those that I thought supported me were silently praying I fail. Those people subtly questioned my ability to succeed and I didn’t even notice at the time.

They made my decisions to cut them off a lot easier. Now that I don’t have anyone holding me back, I am free to my own thoughts and actions.

You should take a step back too. Step all the way back from those that don’t support you and learn to support yourself. When you begin to change your life, the conversations and goals change. You aim higher and just know that you can achieve anything you put your mind to.

Coming a long way in life shouldn’t limit you from going even further. There are no limits. The only limits we have are the ones we give to ourselves. It is mostly in our mind.

It’s not easy – but find mentors, cheerleaders and life coaches. Find people who will guide and teach you how to become the best version of yourself. The sooner you realise and accept that not everyone will treat you the way you treat others, the sooner you will find happiness.

Habits of self-love that everyone should adopt, but do not

Habits of self-love that everyone should adopt, but do not

When you look at the quality of your life, does it make you happy? Are you living your life for your own happiness or do you prioritize the happiness of others over your own?

Making yourself happy doesn’t have to be selfish, but it is definitely a step closer to self-love.

What is self-love?

There are many ways to explain self-love and I touched on it above. It’s about prioritizing your happiness, needs and other things that are valuable to you. It’s also about being aware of what brings you the most joy and doing what brings you joy. There are many ways to explain self-love. For instance, I always ask myself if I am treating myself the way I treat someone I love and deeply care about, this question helps me be kinder and understanding to myself.

Often, we do so much for the people we love because we want to, not because we are forced to. We also need to act in the same way towards ourselves. We cannot move mountains for the next person but see ourselves as an afterthought.

How do you know if you love yourself?

  • Do the actions of others affect you?

If anyone has ever done something to upset you, how do you react? Usually, we try to find out why the other person was upset and try to solve the issue. But when the other person walks away from us after numerous failed attempts at resolution, what do you do?

If you find yourself chasing people even after rejection, you need to take a step back and analyze yourself.

People who want to be in your life will be, stop forcing yourself on others, it decreases your value and makes you feel even worse about yourself.

  • Are you protecting your peace?

If people naturally gravitate towards you, be careful. You could potentially attract a lot of negative people along with the great people.

When people feel that you are easy to speak to, they will be comfortable to speak to you about anything.

If you are always willing to allow everyone into your life without filtering good from bad, others can come into your life and steal your peace. It will happen so subtly – you won’t even know what’s going on until their energy starts to drain you.

If you are allowing all types of people into your life, you need to start protecting your peace.

  • Do you feel obligated to say yes?

I used to be this person, always saying yes when my brain is screaming NO. I didn’t want others to think I’m a bad person.

We can’t be saying yes to everyone and who cares what they think.

If you give people all your time and attention without putting yourself first, they will keep taking and soon you will be taken for granted.

Don’t feel obligated to say yes. Not everyone deserves your time or attention. When you start saying no, people will respect you and you will respect yourself.

  • Reflection and disappointment

Are you looking to others for happiness or do you find it within yourself?

A simple way to understand what truly makes you happy or upset is to reflect and forgive yourself. When you start to reflect on your life, you may not be proud of the decisions you made. It’s okay to be angry and be aware of the emotions you have, even if nobody else around you understands how you feel.

Feel the feelings but let it pass and let it go. The longer you hold on to anything, both tangible or intangible, the heavier it becomes. It eventually leads to toxic behaviour which will stop you from loving yourself.

What habits can you adopt to love yourself?

  • It’s all about the RIGHT focus

If you focus on everything that went wrong or anything that might go wrong, you need to change your mindset. Changing what we choose to think about is difficult but not impossible.

If you continue to focus on negativity, you will remain miserable. Try to remember what you loved doing as a child, and do that.

We get so caught up trying to survive that we often forget about what brings us genuine happiness. It’s time to start focusing on yourself.

Eat healthier, laugh more and take care of your mental health because nobody will do it for you. Everyone is focused on their patch of grass to care about yours.

You already have your power, you just need to use it.

  • Stop getting offended

If someone hurts you, that person is probably hurting too. Things that other people do are not a reflection of you, it’s a reflection of who they are. Fulfilled people don’t go around hurting others, even if they are hurting themselves.

When you reach higher levels in your life, you begin to see people from a level of understanding and not take their actions as an attack on you.

I used to drive myself crazy wondering why certain people treated me the way they did, even after all the time I’ve given them. When I changed my mindset, I understood that those people were going through their own struggles and didn’t notice their actions.

I stopped expecting people to treat me the way I treated them and it made a huge difference. I flipped the switch and stopped tolerating shitty behavior.

Instead of getting offended, walk away and protect your peace.

  • Create goals

Set some goals that make you happy and work towards it. It doesn’t have to be financial goals, it could be anything. It might be getting out of the job you hate or moving to a better place.

Setting goals and working towards what makes you happy puts you in a state of happiness. Those little wins that take you one step closer to your goal is the motivation you need to keep pushing forward.

Create a vision board or make a list of things you want to do and start working on that list. You will soon begin to shift your focus from your problems to solutions.

  • Don’t settle

Stop settling! Value yourself enough to know when you’re being mistreated. You don’t have to settle for a bad job just because it pays the bills and you don’t have to be with the person who treats you bad just because you’re afraid of being alone.

When you stop settling in life and value yourself, others will value you too. The conversations you have and the people you attract into your life will be different.

  • When people show you who they are, believe them

How many times have we made excuses for the actions of other people? It’s time to see people for who they are.

Did all those excuses you made for accepting poor treatment help your life? When people show you who they are, why are you trying to change them into someone they are not?

I allowed myself to be mistreated by making excuses for people. My number one excuse was that they were good people with bad traits. I just needed to overlook the bad traits to get to the good.

I was wrong. I stopped chasing people and giving them the power to hurt me. If you have to keep chasing people, those are not your people. Those that want to be in your life will be, you don’t have to beg or ask, they will show up for you.

Try not to make permanent decisions for temporary situations. Things change, people change and we also change. Just because you accepted certain things to happen in the past, does not mean that you have to keep accepting it.

As hard as it may seem, we still need to try our best to do better and be better, even if others don’t like it. The journey to self-love is challenging but when you genuinely begin to love yourself, situations and people don’t change you. You begin to change to situations and people because you realize just how awesome you are.

 

 

 

 

Tips and benefits for living alone for the first time

Tips and benefits for living alone for the first time

I’ve been living on my own for a few years now. During this time, I learned so much about myself and it was the best gift I could give myself – getting to know and value the person that I am.

When I was done with school, I wanted to move out on my own but I come from a conservative family so it wasn’t so easy for me to move out as soon as I turned 18. I paid a deposit on my new place but I wasn’t able to actually ‘leave the nest’ because of family values.

Then, when I got divorced, I did things differently this time to make sure I was in charge of my own decisions. I moved out of my marital home without telling anyone. BEST DECISION. If you don’t tell anyone about your plans, then people can’t ruin the beautiful life you have planned for yourself.

The decision was hard at first. All the thoughts about living on my own scared me but I made an effort to overcome every excuse I made up. Below are some of the things I struggled with when I started looking for a new place to call home.

 Some basic TIPS when deciding whether to live alone

 

  • Affordability

Freedom comes with a price. It is not cheap to live on your own especially if you don’t have anyone funding your life. If you are your only source of income, then it will be best to start saving up for a deposit. The basic things that you need to get for your new place will be expensive, so look for the best deals and don’t buy something just because it looks great. In the beginning, as long as the things you need will function, you should be okay. Also, watch yourself if you begin to use credit to start buying things you can’t afford. This will come back to bite you later on.

  • Security

A sense of security is VERY important. There’s no point in getting a great place if you don’t feel safe. All you have to rely on is you. There are no parents, siblings, or friends to save you if your safety is at risk. Your best bet is to invest in a place that offers good security so that you can sleep better at night.

  • Support system

Being alone and lonely are not the same. Be careful that you don’t fall into the loneliness trap. It can be very easy to start isolating yourself because it is easier to stay at home. Isolation leads to loneliness. Always be aware of your mental state of mind and get out of the house when you feel you need to. Never underestimate the power of human interaction.

All the good stuff happens after you’ve moved out on your own (BENEFITS)

  • You don’t have to cook

When I first moved out on my own, I never cooked! I enjoyed not cooking because when I was in a relationship, I cooked every day. Living alone, I used to order in regularly because I found that it’s cheaper than cooking for one person. Otherwise, eggs were quick and easy to make, so on the days I wasn’t ordering food, I would fry an egg. Everything suddenly became more convenient and I had more time to do whatever I wanted to. It was amazing.

  • Is wearing make-up still a thing?

I’m not a person that wears a lot of make-up, but being alone makes you learn how to be comfortable in your skin. I spent more time at home doing the things I wanted to. When I did go out, I didn’t have to get all dressed up as I did before. I reached new levels of accepting myself for who I am.

  • No more waiting on other people

You’ve just unlocked another level of living stress-free. You don’t need to sit up worrying about anyone not getting home when they say they would. Instead, you can stay up all night binge-watching Netflix or eating ice-cream. You can also sleep in all day if you wanted to. The days of checking in with anyone or running your schedule pass anyone is now over.

  • You can get very ‘busy’

You don’t have to accept every single invite for lunch, dinner or the movies. You can be busy. Busy could mean that you’re taking a day for yourself. You don’t have to be busy doing anything at all. This is your life, your freedom and this is the reward you get for paying your way in life.

  • Replace expensive gifts with spa days

I love this. When I lived with my ex, I would always do things to make him happy, this mostly involved money. It will also be fair to say that he also spent a good amount of money on me too. Being alone means that I don’t have to spend large amounts of money on just one person. All that money I was spending is now being used for spa days, lunch with friends or saved towards my travels.

After a while, it becomes stressful to listen to how others live

I am aware that as we get older, we are meant to go through the circle of life. Marriage, kids, grandkids and all that other good stuff. But there is an increasing number of people who are choosing to live alone because it’s a lifestyle that gets addictive. When I hear other people speak about their home lives, I can’t imagine myself living like that. It sounds SO stressful, especially when children are involved.

When I was living the ‘family-type’ lifestyle, I didn’t realize how stressed I was. I was just going through the day’s activities but not really living MY life. It’s a dangerous way to live – living to do the things that needed to get done and forgetting that you also matter as a person.

Solitude is priceless

I think a lot of people don’t understand my solitude but I absolutely love it. You grow as an individual and learn to understand yourself a lot better. You keep changing to better yourself and make efforts to do what’s best for you. You begin to understand that your peace is priceless. If you allow another person into your life, that person has to compete with YOU for your attention because you know exactly who you are as a person.

Many are afraid of living alone, but once you get used to it, I doubt that you will have it any other way. OR until that special someone comes along and values you just as much (or more) than you value yourself…then it might be worth living with another person.

 

 

Being single and being single AGAIN are different

Being single and being single AGAIN are different

There are two types of single people: those that have never been in a relationship and those that have been in a relationship but are now single – they are single again.

I want to highlight the second type, single again, because I think there is a certain stigma attached to people to choose to be single and stay single.

What happens when you are single again?

You wake up one day only to realize that you are alone…again.

Being in a romantic relationship for a long time, you learn to adapt and compromise for the sake of the relationship. You care about the well-being of your significant other so you change your lifestyle to accommodate both you and your person.

It feels a little weird being single again. Eating alone, cooking alone, going out alone – after getting used to always having another person around.

I had to adapt to my new single life. Days turned into nights and I wondered if I could do this on my own. I took simple things for granted like fixing things around the house or chasing those geckos away by myself (what a nightmare).

My safety net was gone, there was nobody to speak to and tell them about all the things that happened during my day.

I could call a friend but at this stage in life, most of my friends are married with kids. They are either too busy to speak to you and you don’t want to feel like a burden to them either.

How to adapt to the new-found freedom

It took me a long time to adapt to my new normal. I’ve made so many mistakes and learned valuable life lessons. So here are some ways to adapt to being single again to avoid you from making the same mistakes I did:

  • It’s okay to feel sad but don’t live there

You don’t have to ignore your feelings. Acknowledge and accept your feelings but don’t let those emotions consume you. Sometimes we can be toxic to ourselves just by focusing on all the things that went wrong. These feelings won’t last forever so be patient with yourself. Don’t beat yourself up for feeling down.

You might find yourself questioning everything you thought to be true. It might go so far that you question your self-worth. Whenever you notice yourself doing this, flip the switch.

Practice replacing negative thoughts with feelings of gratitude. Think about the things you have right now which you can be grateful for.

It can be anything: being alive, having people who understand you, having the courage to walk from a toxic relationship.

  • Be careful about who you confide in

When we are hurting, we will confide in those that are willing to listen.

Looking back, I can’t believe I confided in certain people. People will listen to you, but not everyone wants the best for you. Some are only listening to you to make sure that your life is a mess and others may start spreading rumors about you.

Don’t confide in too many people. It will be best if you seek advice from one or two trusted people in your life. You don’t want everyone to know your business. Also, you don’t have to answer people when they ask you questions that you don’t feel comfortable answering.

When I went through my divorce, I had a friend who seemed concerned about me and asked me how I am doing all time. A few months later I found out that this so-called friend was telling everyone my entire story. I trusted this person because I felt like this person cared. Be careful!

  • Stop comparing

With everyone getting married, buying houses and having babies, it can be hard not to compare. You might feel like all the hopes and dreams you had, had been shattered and you have to start life all over again.

Don’t forget that there is no timeline or order in which you need to accomplish things in life. Be deaf to people who ask why you’re single or make stupid comments to you.

You need to be compassionate with yourself. Comparing your situation will make you feel like you’re not good enough.

A few months after my divorce, my ex moved in with someone else. I am still single. I didn’t compare myself to him.

I understood that we are different people. He likes being in a relationship and I am very stubborn about achieving other things in my life. I am happy for him. It doesn’t mean that he is better than me or vice versa. It just means that everyone’s lives are completely different.

  • Watch your spending habits

If you were living with the other person, the costs might have been shared. Suddenly, you are on your own, but rent for a new place is not suddenly cut in half because you are only one person.

Your expenses will be more or less the same, if not more. If you are starting from scratch, you may need to spend on a lot more things and all these things will be necessities so be wise with how and what you choose to spend on.

Also, with your new-found freedom, you may want to go out more and explore this new lifestyle.

Going out means spending money.

If you are spending money faster than you are making money – check yourself.

A hurting heart can blind our common sense. This is not the time for retail therapy or drinking sprees.

Rather look for things to do that don’t involve spending a lot of money. You will have to live cheap until you are back on your feet again and there is nothing wrong with this.

  • Ignore silly comments from people

People tend to ask the most random questions without realizing it. I think that people do this because they are not open-minded or they feel sorry for you. You don’t need sympathy, you need understanding.

They might try to find a new partner for you. Someone always has a single cousin or friend that they think would be great for you. Hold on cupid. You don’t need to rush into another relationship if you are not ready.

People always ask me why I am still alone or why I’m not getting into a relationship. These are usually followed by stupid comments, “if you get into a relationship, at least you don’t have to climb on your kitchen units to reach stuff” (short girl problems) or “at least you will have someone to keep you warm at night”. I guess these people don’t know about the miracle invention called heaters. (sarcasm inserted)

Your person exists

I don’t want to get into a relationship for the “at least”, I want the most. It is okay to want more, do more and be more. Many people won’t understand you but it is not their life to live.

One day, you will find someone who understands your silence and it will feel like home.

Until that day, work on yourself because your person is probably working on themselves too.

Your person already exists, you just haven’t met them yet.