Updated June 2020

Do you ever feel that life is happening to you? There are times when everything that can go wrong, will go wrong. Life can be challenging sometimes and we are tested in many situations.

It is during these challenging times that we decide how we want to perceive the situation. It is our reaction to the situation that will either elevate us or break us.

Sometimes we need to take a step back from our own lives and look at our situation objectively. Often, we are not aware that we have a victim mentality.

What is the victim mentality?

Victim mentality is when a person feels sorry for themselves for all the things that are going wrong. Instead of finding ways to overcome the situation, it might be easier to complain about the problems.

Many people become addicted to complaining and looking at the negative in life when there are so many good things to focus on. The way to choose to view a situation makes a difference.

What we focus on, will grow

If you choose to look at all the things that you don’t have, you will remain miserable. Instead, accept the situation for what it is and find ways to make the situation better.

Complaining about things won’t change a thing, but actions lead to results. Even if you fail at the thing you are trying to achieve, experience is gained. The next time you try, you will be more likely to succeed.

It works! What I focused on, grew

If you read my past blog posts, you will know that I was in a long-term narcissistic relationship. At the time, I was studying towards my marketing degree. I was always questioned about my abilities and at some point, I started to believe I was incapable of getting into the marketing field.

It was disappointing because marketing is something I love and I had to constantly hear that I am technologically challenged. My ex was implying that I will fail at marketing because he thought I was incapable of working on a computer.

It’s silly…I know. But if we are in a toxic environment long enough, our minds create the weirdest scenarios that are far from reality.

When I left the relationship, it took me a few years until I decided to get into blogging and create a website. I also landed a marketing job at the company I work for. I am into all things marketing now and learning more every day.

Those harmful comments about how stupid I was, didn’t break me.

But sometimes I believed that I will never amount to anything and maybe I’m just wasting my time with marketing. But I continued anyway because it was something I love doing.

I could have chosen to play the victim

I could have allowed the negative comments being thrown at me to consume me and give up on my passion. There were times when I questioned myself and was anxious about the money I put into my studies.

But instead of giving up on marketing, I gave up on the person who was making me doubt myself.

I walked away and I keep learning new things every day.

What we can and cannot control

Every situation in our life either can or cannot be controlled.

For example, we can’t choose the life we are born into or we are born as. Certain situations are out of our control.

The things that cannot be controlled

Natural abilities 

Each person has their strengths or talents. If someone has a great analytic mind and you don’t, that does not make you less intelligent. Maybe your ability is creativity. Comparison is unhealthy. If you compare your weakness to the strengths of others, you will lose every time.

But also, hard work beats talent if talent is too lazy to work.

Our family history financial status   

There were many times when I heard people say: “that person was born into a rich family, he/ she will never understand what it was like for me growing up”.

Try not to be bitter if someone else had privileges that you did not have. As kids, we cannot control the financial status of our parents.

If you were not born into financial wealth, you cannot live your life blaming the financial history of your family for your current situation. We get many opportunities, and if we are opened to them, we just need the courage to take those opportunities.

Toxic environment

A toxic home cannot be controlled. For example, a three-year-old child cannot choose if he/ she wants to move out or can’t control the family’s behavior.

Maybe you didn’t have a healthy home environment as a child. But there are many ways to change the situation as you grow up. Just because you come from toxicity, it doesn’t mean that you have to keep living in a toxic environment.

Nobody can force you to tolerate negative behavior. Break the cycle and create a better life for yourself.

The things that can be controlled

A life-partner

If you are in an abusive relationship and stay but complain, then you have a victim mentality.

Too many times we are afraid of what society will think if we walk away. Unfortunately, people will always have an opinion about your life. If your gut is telling you that something is wrong in a relationship, it may be time to re-evaluate your situation.

If you are in a relationship with the right person, you will NEVER need to question the relationship. I know this sounds harsh, but truth be told – stop playing the victim – you chose your partner and you choose to stay in the relationship.

So if you choose to stay, then you need to deal with the consequences of your actions or choose to walk away for the sake of your sanity.

Why do people choose a life-partner, stay and still complain?

I’ve seen so many people play the victim and complain about a shitty situation they are choosing to stay in. One person is accepting the abuse because this person likes the comfort and safety of having money and an exclusive lifestyle. Another person is staying because they refuse to get a job so financial support is more important than not being physically abused.

I try to help people in bad situations, but I also switch off completely to those that WANT to be a bad situation but also want to play the victim.

Our emotional and mental health

Happiness is a choice. Nobody is positive all the time. But it takes daily effort to choose a positive mindset.

We all have setbacks in life. If you need a time-out, take it. If you need to cry or scream as loud as you can to let go of frustration, do it. But don’t allow negativity to control your life.

Choosing to be happy and fulfilled takes regular effort. If you choose to live with a negative mindset, that’s a choice you make. Don’t drag those around you down with a victim mind-set.

Many problems are created in our minds. If you have an issue with someone, voice your concerns and resolve them. Sometimes what we may perceive as an issue, may not be an issue at all.

Most people choose the victim mentality over change because playing the victim is easier. A person can only play the victim if they have someone to complain to, who will enable their complaining. It is very common for those with a victim mentality to feed of sympathy shown towards them.

Playing the victim is unhealthy and detrimental to both the ‘victim’ and those that choose to enable the victim mentality by listening to the same complaints over and over again. If you find yourself listening to someone’s constant whining, remove yourself from the situation because others will take you down with them.